Captain Beany desperate to find Heinz heroine or Branston beauty after ten years of flatulent blow offs
Eccentric Welsh fundraiser, Captain Beany, is on the hunt for a saucy singleton to take up the mantle of Mrs Beans.
Explaining how he’s ‘bean’ on the lookout for a Branston Beauty for over ten years, Captain, whose real name is Barry Kirk, says he’s fed up of being unlucky in love.
And the orange-headed Heinz lover, who has 60 baked bean tattoos on his bald bonce, is so desperate to find his ‘Tina-Beans’ that he’s taken to dating sites in order to find her.
Spilling the beans, the 63 year old from Port Talbot said: “I am a selfless person who loves helping those less fortunate than me and I think it’s about time I found my Heinz heroine; the saucy superwoman to my superhero alter ego.”
Captain Beany, who changed his name by deed poll in 1991, has admitted that the reason he may not be able to find the one could be due to his flatulence problem, and his inability to stop eating beans.
And his tattooed head doesn’t do him any favours either.
The former BP computer technician said: “I’m always full of beans, day and night, but I think this might put most women off.
“They see the tattoed head, they recognise me from my fundraising, they know I’m obsessed with beans, and they just don’t seem to want to associate with me.
“Admittedly, I do tend to get nervous around women and this doesn’t help with my flatulence.
“I have been known to let off in front of women on a couple of occasions, but I didn’t think it would cause that much of a stink.
“I’m just a mild mannered bloke who likes having fun; I don’t really know where I’m going wrong to be honest.
“I would like to find love and have at least one date; I’ve not been on a proper date in over ten years.”
Captain Beany, who curates the world’s only Baked Bean Museum of Excellence from his living room on Sandhill’s Estate, thinks his perfect woman would be someone who is just as half-baked as he is.
He said: “She’d obviously have to have some of the same attributes as me; she’d have to be kind and caring and enjoy charity work.
“But to some extent, she’d also have to love superheroes too – the Wonder Woman to my Captain Beany, a saucy little minx, maybe a Cat Woman type.”
Despite not having ‘bean’ able to find that special someone, Captain Beany has tried to prise open the tin of love on a couple of occasions.
He said: “I joined an online dating site about five years ago and did manage to set up a date with a lovely lady.
“We arrived at the venue and I bought a nice bottle of fizz for us to share.
“However, the bartender recognised me and as he gave me the glasses, he said, ‘Oh, you’re Capatin Beany aren’t you?’
“Unfortunately, this didn’t go down too well with my date, and after she asked me if I really was THE Captain Beany, I had no choice but to confess.
“She made her excuses and left; I’d been well and truly blown out.”
Having spent so much time being a superhero, Captain Beany said that he doesn’t know where Barry Kirk ends and his alter ego begins.
He explained it’s an obsession that has taken over his life and even though he desperately wants to find love, he couldn’t imagine doing it as anyone other than Captain Beany.
He said: “I hope to find love one day.
“And when I do, I’ll take them on the most perfect date – we’d be sipping ‘beana-coladas’ while watching the sunset.”
Captain Beany is due to appear on the new series of Blind Date, to be aired on Channel 5 on Saturday August 11th.